I’m not a ghost, I’m a plant doing photosynthesis.

Scrap Thoughts / Writing

Hello, Nobody. I like to treat this blog as very private space, there is no secret place in cyberspace.

I try to calm myself with facts. Even it’s crazy to think about how fucked up the world is. Not the whole world, only the human being part of it. Overconsumption runs the world like cancer growth. We won’t last. It’s pretty hard to escape this world. We have gravity and biological as constraints. We have come so far yet so backward. Human is bound with dilemma and contradiction like always.

Can I get along with the pre-existing power order and simultaneously want to change it? This is me trying to fit in both world. The I found I belong to none of those.

I know how to play the game while knowing the game is not fair. I benefit from this pre-existing order of the world. I survive and get along with future of works. I have privilege to remain calm and secure.

I know all the hype words, I go with flow, I surf the wave. I get to choose and negotiate. I benefit from the post-capitalist world. I make value out of nothing. I sell my bullshit in my head. I’m this privileged worker in passion industry of pleasure.

It makes me sad thinking about people who can’t negotiate and choose their life with dignity. Peace of mind is costly. Stress free is expensive.

There are so many things I want to be better at. Endless list of classes and domains of knowledge are available out there. Endless possibilities, trials and errors. Rinse, Lather, Repeat. Only time is limited.

I want to be good at math. Good intention needs good calculation and measurement. I want to get better at statistics. I want to think more accurate in time and space. I want to belong to physical space and leave my head. I’m just a very flat person. These kind of things take time.

I soaked myself with lots of non-fiction in past couple years. I have to catch up with the world and current knowledge. This year, I find myself return to novels. I went to Vietnam fo vacation and finished 3 books. I found new love and hunger for eastern female novelists. They calmed me and made me rethink about many things in my life. Being 28 is like 33% of life (Hope I have longer than normal lifespan, Thai female is 75 years old. I think too much in percentage.)

Sometimes I like to image that someday I will end up being a nun. When I get old, bored or sad, or when need to escape humanity. But I belong to no church and temple. I don’t need followers. I don’t need leaders. I want to believe in my own independence. But I can’t exist in the vacuum. I need to interact with other people, at least for now.

I learned to embrace the sun since young, the sun is the source of my joy and energy. I just got stuck on this planet running around the sun. I don’t need to be faster than this. If I become nun, the sun will be my god. Even there are lots of living stars out there in the universe. Some are larger than our sun. I got stuck in this solar system so I will take the sun to worship to in convenience.

I have been wasting my time listening to random ghost stories from random radio on Youtube. None of those ghosts scare me at all. How come the ghost appears with no originality? I learned the pattern and got bored within a week. No ordinary ghost would satisfy my need of mystery. I want a better render version of paranormal being.

One thing I learned lately: Depressed people like to describe themselves as already dead, feeling like a ghost living among the lively crowds. Yet they feel so heavy and exhausted like flat tire. They feel quiet and dead inside.

I don’t feel like a ghost yet. I feel like a tiny plant doing my own photosynthesis. Sucking the nutrition from the soil of my ancestor’s remains.

If you ever feel like a ghost, tell somebody. Get yourself heard and seen by someone. Don’t dissolve in the air and disappear. Enjoy the sunbeam.

Where are you in the food web? What do you worship?

All the thoughts I have been thinking about have been thought before by somebody. I just want to collect all the noise in my head so it won’t dissolve and disappear. What an egotistic need. Does it really matter what I think? I just want to remember.

I say all the nonsensical things that clogged up my mind. We have approximately 20% of this year left. I think about time as limited in monochronic sense.

I know nobody is reading this. It feels like sending message in a bottle off to the ocean of gazillion bytes.

Hey, Nobody, don’t worry, don’t be happy, don’t be anything. Hope you’re okay and find your place to sit and relax in the world.