This year is going to end soon. It has been peaceful year so far for me. I have learned a lot in a pace I can control. To attain the power to select and refine my schedule is bliss. I am the privileged one and I love humble-bragging about it.

What a benign starting sentence of a blog. I’m too happy to write better sentences. I want to collect my current sentiments and thoughts.

You can skip all these or you can have a peek into my messy machine of mind.

Quiet Morning, thinking about what came before me.

I really like the feeling of waking up calmly, a good day is an ordinary day quiet enough to hear the birds sing. A tiny bird is knocking on my window. The bed is so warm. The light is dimly lit. I woke up to a tune I didn’t know. I was curious about it so I got up to look up.

There are narratives about bird disappearance in apocalyptic stories. They are the sound and sign of life. The vibe of the world being okay. If the birds leave, we are doomed. We are left alone in a quiet world.

Lately, I was so fascinated by trees, how they live quiet life. Some people can read trees if they are stressed or unhappy. They expand their branch in width and depth. They are so wise and calm. They are not noisy like me.

Sometimes I’m so jealous of lichens and fungi, they are the real pioneers who prep the land ready for other living organism to thrive. I think about the humidity and wind speed like I never think before. The quiet world is vibrant and not that slow.

I often think about the Carboniferous – Coal bearing time, those quiet 60 millions year resulted in the coal we take. How many trees have lived and died repeatedly for 60 millions years? Then we put our dead plant ancestors back into the air.

I like to think about the Boring Billions year that nothing much happens. Yet’s here we are, very messy, crazy and complex so much. Simple people are too boring for me but I secretly believe we all are so complex and puzzling in our own mind and actions.

I don’t want to change the world anymore. The world has changed too much in exhilarating scale. It scares me. As a result, the world has changed me, people around me shift the way I become, the way I see things.

Maybe being somebody’s favorite part of their day is enchanting enough. How uninspiring and mundane does it sound?

Learning for leisure, pleasure lecture

I started learning Geology for my hobby. I was so crazy about geologic time. How life is unfolding and diversity flourishes? It’s delightful to know how human beings learn about the planet we get stuck on. How they make sense of the world, how egocentric we are.

It’s pretty amazing to think that earth has been here for so long. We are the rude and loud guests. We wreck the balance and cycle of everything that comes before us.

I feel so tiny. I feel the incredibly shortness of time I have. That notion is pinching my cheek then and now. Death is a friendly terminal, where I will stop overthinking and keeping updates.

I want to read the rock by layers, color and texture. I want understand the landscape and have literacy about the place I was born into. I want to know the air I breathe. I want to understand the street I walk on.

There are so many topic I want to dig into. Endless of human knowledge and it’s expanding, shifting and getting updated.

I miss those time I read dictionary for fun, it happens long time ago. I wanted to know every words.

People, people, people

I keep thinking about people in my life. All the people who disappear from my cycle, they fade away from me or vice versa. On conversation was left blank. Friendship ends when you stop being curious about someone.

In twenty years time, we might get in touch again. Or we lose touch forever. We might come across somewhere random. I wonder what we will become. How awkward would it be to meet someone you stop thinking about?

How come I end up where I started? How many steps does it take from start to finish? – from not knowing to trying to success and failure and not knowing again?

How many dinners does it take to make people close to each other? How many words are counted? How many hours? How many emojis sent? How many eye contacts? How many laughs and smirks? How many misunderstanding and frowned and synchronization? How many wonders if we hang out with the right people? How many possible way this friendship could start and end?

I keep thinking how Friendship is an unsaid protocol with no solid rule of how to obtain, how to maintain and how to cancel. This is joy of life to celebrate. Thanks for the intersection for brief moments.

Some people are just flights you didn’t take. They took off without you on-board. You keep wondering what kind of place they could have been. They are the vacation that didn’t happen or happened without you. Some people are vacation you didn’t take. They might bring you joy or make you miss your home. They might invade your private zone or redraw new one for you.

Cheers to all the obscured facade of life. Enjoy the shortness of life. It’s the only thing I can guarantee you. We will be here for a glimpse of time.

Thanks for the joy and sorrow of being human. Thanks for the evolutionary ladder my ancestors unconsciously climb that make me understand or feel those complex feelings.

Library of Memory

Two nights ago, I had a dream about getting to meet a mysterious fortune teller. Before entering, there is a Burmese girl who wear white tanaka powder. She asked for the guests’ birthday then she wrote it down in a scrap of paper and told us to take it into the fortune teller’s room. We walked in roll on top of a long steep white table with no rail.

But when I entered into the room, it’s a normal library filled with wooden cabinets. Then I learned this library is someone else’s memory, the person’s memory is translated into form of books, paper, and scrap notes. Some are just a piece of paper that look like mindless comments. It’s pretty fun browsing someone memory, stream of consciousness and unconnected thoughts. Maybe it’s the same experience we peek into someone feed or social media accounts with scraps of their mind.

Of course I want to record your existence beyond my memory because I won’t know how long this will last. We all know things end at some point. Eternality is ridiculous concept. Lifetime is a hoax.

Library used to be memory of mankind. But it has shifted into the vast and wide internet. We won’t have a lifetime to watch every youtube video and we don’t have to, When I think about Alexandria, or someone from the past like Aristotle, they used to possess the knowledge of mankind. Now memory and knowledge belongs to everyone at low and high rank of socio-economic layers. The data points are growing, expanding in rich texture and details. We exist and we are embedded in bytes. Some refine codes are sitting still in a safe place in Svalbard really make me ponder.

Hey,

What will be left after 1 million years from now? I will be forgotten, this blog will be forsaken eventually. What will happen to atomic waste from Germany nuclear fission factory? Will mankind make it to dry and lifeless Martian colony? Is it even a good idea to leave this planet? We are confined into this rich and diverse planet in Goldilocks condition. Will we flourish and survive? will we inhabit in this planet as long as Dinosaur? I bet not.

My existence is too temporary to keep updated to all those facts.

…

People like to mock me about being too robotic. I’m a chaotic system of being. I think of cause & consequences and hypothesis all the time. But you can see I I am very humanistic. I don’t want to be a machine, I never desire to be an asset, I never care about being productive. I never aspire to become a factory that cares too much about the margin.

I just want to live my life the way I won’t regret too much in future. I want to keep strolling in well balanced pace. I made bad decisions all the time and it became the good lesson. I want to keep scrolling mindlessly and learn something that make my eyes dilate.

I want to sightseeing many aspects of life. I want to look around. I have to filter all those senseless stuffs and meaningless relationship.

I don’t want to take risk in intense romance that will take up my brain circuit, eat away my solitude and peace of mind. I don’t want to laugh politely to save someone egotistical core. I don’t want to be a large important part of someone’s life. I don’t want to be invested in time and money. I don’t want to sit around being their proud bank account. I want to play the side role like a little coin they found on the street.

If it’s not good enough to take risk, I will happily say “No, Thank You.” in graceful and grateful manner. I will never experience feelings like what Tim Kreider describe, a love so intense that you forget time exists. I can’t stop thinking about time. Tick tick tick. Click click click.

Loneliness dissipates when you find comfort and pleasure in your own company.

Helen Betya Rubinstein

I want to ponder and lay down in warm bed looking at ceiling thinking about significance of nothingness, browse the vast collection of human memory and update my library of music.

Those are a few I think about often lately. What’s on your mind?